50 Curious Shirts Killed the Cat

They are cute, fluffy, adorable, cute, cuddly, and SO CUTE. Of course, we’re talking about cats. Other than Donald Trump, who else can be just so darn lovable? And did we mention cute? It is no wonder the Internet loves them; you just can’t say no to all that snuggly innocence. Sometimes it feels like it’d be easier if cats just ruled the world, so we got to thinking… What would it be like if we let the feline population take over while we just sat back and watched?

For starters, war would be a lot different. Maybe not less deadly per se, but totally much cooler. Because who says cats can’t ride a machine gun-wielding Tyrannosaurus rex? They do have nine lives after all.

Then again, violence as a whole would take on another look. Claw and bite marks would easily surpass bullet and stab wounds. The Pawfia (get it?!) would rule the streets, and cat burglary would run rampant. An angry hiss might send you sprinting to the other side of the road. Bathes everywhere would be declared Public Enemy No. 1, and what better way to fight water than with fire?

Then as crime gets more intense, so would crime prevention. Law enforcement would really have to step it up to a whole new level. Instead of fingerprints, paw prints would be the name of the game, and nasty hair balls might just replace blood samples. Plus the FBI (Feline Bureau of Investigation) would have to develop some real technical methods and advanced robotic gear to crack down on all that pesky avifauna and rodent villainy.

But even then, evil could still prevail over good. The public would cower as the FBI fails to do its duty, the fat cats getting fatter and hogging the warm milk from every kitten out there. Whomever shall we turn to then? Superhero vigilantes of course! They would slink through the dark alleys, dishing out justice with their claws of fury. Stories would be sung and movies filmed enshrining their good deeds. They wouldn’t be the cats we deserve but the cats we need.

But why should cat awesomeness be limited to this atmosphere? Clearly, they transcend any border us mortal beings try to restrain them with, and it won’t be long before they’ve broken out into that final frontier. The Mouser Exploration Outside this World (or MEOW) Plan would partner NASA with our feline friends to help research the stars in the vast unknown. Dogs have gone before, why not cats?!

But that’s not to say there wouldn’t be any overlap between those two stars and wars themes…

Unfortunately, cats don’t rule the world (as far as we know), and they seem to be pretty much stuck where they are right now. But that’s not all terrible. They’re featured in lots of inspirational “Hang in there!” posters, and the most grumpy among them is a certified superstar. I guess we can say that they’re doing pretty alright for themselves, so for now, we’ll leave them to ruling the Internet.